There are no words...

Today is my birthday...we have been sick at the Krazy K for weeks.  It ran through the kids and landed on me.  I finally went to the doctor on Tuesday and got some antibiotics.  By Thursday night I was able to swallow without wanting to scream.  So today, for my birthday, I was bound and determined to go to the beach.

I was weak.  I was tired.  I was foolish.  I should not have been at the beach.

When we first got there, we set up camp and had some lunch.  Then we all went out for a good swim.  The waves were hard and the kids got some good rides on their boogie boards.  Finally I was giving out...I told them I needed to go in for awhile and rest.   I had stationed us right in front of the lifeguards.  I had explained the distance to the kids and expressed that they had to stay together and ALWAYS in front of the lifeguards.

They swam for a while longer.  They dug in the dirt.  They came up and we walked to the showers and restrooms.  On our way back, I told them that we would have to leave soon.  Hannah headed back out, boogie board in tow, and made a friend.  Another Hannah, this one from Arkansas.  The boys also went out together.  I could see them playing nicely...very close to the lifeguards.  Gracie and I stayed up at the blanket.

I had seen the kids.  All was good...and Gracie and I started packing up.  Then...what seems like only moments later, the boys came walking up and informed me that they had been saved by the lifeguards.

WHAT?  HOW?  The lifeguards came over.  Seems the boys had gotten caught in a rip current.  As Samuel explains it, "We were trying to get to the shore, but the water kept pulling us back.  We were trying to get to the boogie board.  Jacob made it to the boogie board and was trying to get me.  Then the lifeguard was there.  I have a new respect for lifeguards."

I have no words for the pain in my heart.  Tears keep wailing up.  I feel like a failure.  Danny said, "it could have happened to anyone...it only takes a second".  Yes, but it happened to me.  I can't keep thinking that I should have never been there.

In all of this, I keep trying to console myself with all the things that I did right.  I made sure we were in front of the lifeguards.  I lectured them on the rules of the beach.  I prayed.  God, I prayed.  I knew that I was too tired to properly take care of them and I would lay down and I would pray that God's hand be on my babies.  And now I cry.  I cry tears of thanksgiving that today my children's lives were spared.  I cry tears of guilt for even having had them out there.

There are no words to console this mother's heart but I am so grateful to a loving God who watched over my children today and I am so thankful for the lifeguards of Cocoa Beach.