Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A New Day

I wanted to say 'thank you' to my friends and family who reached out either by Facebook message or private email to comment on my last post.

I felt compelled to explain to you why I would blog about such a personal thing.  When I first started blogging, I promised myself that I would write from my heart and there have been a few times (especially in the beginning) when I was apprehensive about publishing my posts.  Sometimes they feel quite personal.  But that is what I had always intended....for it to be my 'personal' blog.  So on that day, I wrote.  I had all this emotion welling up inside me and it had to get out.  Danny wasn't at home and I wanted so badly to call a friend, but I had no voice (from being sick) and blogging just seemed to be the natural choice.  In that moment I needed someone to hold me...to put their arms around me and tell me that it was alright.  And each of you who reached out and responded did that for me.  As I read your notes, your words of kindness and concern, you were each able to 'touch' me and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I have spoken to both boys about the incident at the beach.  I have always tried to not let my emotional fears or frustrations reflect on my children, so I was cautious with how and when I spoke to them.  I spoke to Samuel first, the night that we had been at the beach.  I felt that he was the youngest and probably the one who had suffered the biggest blow from the experience.  He recalled it in the same manner that he did when we were on the beach.  I still LOVE his words, "I have a new respect for lifeguards"... so Samuel.  I waited to speak with Jacob, not even sure if it was necessary.  One week later Jacob and I were out together for breakfast, just the two of us.  He recalled it much the same way Samuel did.  He said, "the harder we tried to get in, the further it seemed we went out".  He said he made Samuel get on the boogie board and he just kept trying to get them in...then the lifeguard was there.  I am so proud of him, protecting his little brother the way he did.  I find that I am still tearing up over the incident.

The memory is still fresh, but I am happy to say that the boys seem to not be holding onto any fears.  Jacob and I discussed rip currents and how you should try to "ride them out", not exhausting yourself trying to fight them.

Sunday we had an opportunity to go to the beach again.  Danny was with us.  We were visiting Danny's sister and husband who were vacationing at the beach.  We were just a stone's throw from where we had been on my birthday.  I am happy to report (as you will see from the pictures) that the boys did not seem to have any lingering fears. 


Jacob and Samuel are hanging together on the left.  Hannah is out catching waves with Uncle Andy.



Gracie has decided to venture out and catch some waves.  Hannah just isn't giving up!

Jacob hanging with Daddy.

Samuel looking on with Daddy.

Looks like Jacob is heading in...

...to catch some Zzzz's.  :)

Samuel trying to escape the sun on his 'sand couch'.

Gracie

Hannah

It was a perfect day!!!



Friday, July 13, 2012

There are no words...

Today is my birthday...we have been sick at the Krazy K for weeks.  It ran through the kids and landed on me.  I finally went to the doctor on Tuesday and got some antibiotics.  By Thursday night I was able to swallow without wanting to scream.  So today, for my birthday, I was bound and determined to go to the beach.

I was weak.  I was tired.  I was foolish.  I should not have been at the beach.

When we first got there, we set up camp and had some lunch.  Then we all went out for a good swim.  The waves were hard and the kids got some good rides on their boogie boards.  Finally I was giving out...I told them I needed to go in for awhile and rest.   I had stationed us right in front of the lifeguards.  I had explained the distance to the kids and expressed that they had to stay together and ALWAYS in front of the lifeguards.

They swam for a while longer.  They dug in the dirt.  They came up and we walked to the showers and restrooms.  On our way back, I told them that we would have to leave soon.  Hannah headed back out, boogie board in tow, and made a friend.  Another Hannah, this one from Arkansas.  The boys also went out together.  I could see them playing nicely...very close to the lifeguards.  Gracie and I stayed up at the blanket.

I had seen the kids.  All was good...and Gracie and I started packing up.  Then...what seems like only moments later, the boys came walking up and informed me that they had been saved by the lifeguards.

WHAT?  HOW?  The lifeguards came over.  Seems the boys had gotten caught in a rip current.  As Samuel explains it, "We were trying to get to the shore, but the water kept pulling us back.  We were trying to get to the boogie board.  Jacob made it to the boogie board and was trying to get me.  Then the lifeguard was there.  I have a new respect for lifeguards."

I have no words for the pain in my heart.  Tears keep wailing up.  I feel like a failure.  Danny said, "it could have happened to anyone...it only takes a second".  Yes, but it happened to me.  I can't keep thinking that I should have never been there.

In all of this, I keep trying to console myself with all the things that I did right.  I made sure we were in front of the lifeguards.  I lectured them on the rules of the beach.  I prayed.  God, I prayed.  I knew that I was too tired to properly take care of them and I would lay down and I would pray that God's hand be on my babies.  And now I cry.  I cry tears of thanksgiving that today my children's lives were spared.  I cry tears of guilt for even having had them out there.

There are no words to console this mother's heart but I am so grateful to a loving God who watched over my children today and I am so thankful for the lifeguards of Cocoa Beach.